Our phones and computers are like little magic mirrors that show us anything we want to see. And sometimes what we want to see is a little more “Rated R” than cat memes and food menus. Many of us have been in the uncomfortable position before of finding nudes on our partner’s phones, whether they were of an ex, a celebrity, or of ourselves. Whatever the case may be, if you find them and find yourself uncomfortable with them, it’s probably time for a discussion.
Nobody likes to hear the words “we need to talk” – but talking is really the only way to effectively work things out and get back on the same page. To take some of the discomfort and suspense out of the conversation, just come right out and say it: “I saw some nudes on your phone the other day, can I ask you about them?”
First Question: Why Were You Snooping?
This is probably the first question you’ll hear from your partner, and is worth asking of yourself. Did they leave their phone or computer unattended? Did you go hunting for incriminating material, or were you innocently looking for something else and stumble upon it? Do you trust your partner not to hide things from you? Does your behavior indicate that you trust them?
However you answer the above questions, the fact is that you’ve found something that’s made you uncomfortable, and it’s likely going to eat at you until it’s addressed. So admit any faults of your own regarding snooping or showing a lack of trust, and have a discussion with your partner about your behavior, what you’ve found, and what the situation is with the photos.
What’s the Right Answer?
“I didn’t know those were still in there.”
“They just have sentimental value.”
“I found them on the internet.”
There’s no right answer that’s going to satisfy everyone, it all depends on what you are concerned about, and what it means to you that your partner has these photos. If they are photos of an ex, or just sexy material to masturbate to, only you can decide how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with those situations. And from there you have to mutually decide how to compromise.
Nudes: To Delete or Not to Delete?
Do you make your partner delete the photos? Can you be sure they’ll really be gone for good? Many people feel it is unfair to decide what their partner can and can’t keep in their private possession, and they may have a point. But try not to make it an ultimatum. Help your partner understand why the photos might make you uncomfortable, and come to a decision with them on what can be done going forward. If no agreement can be reached, then consider how that might affect your relationship and your comfort going forward, with or without them.
Openness Above All
Situations like these are wonderful opportunities to become more open with your partner. Learning each other’s secrets and nuances helps you to understand each other more fully. And while that road can be bumpy and even a little off-putting at times, getting to truly know someone always is. Look at each discovery, upsetting or otherwise, as an opportunity to get to understand your partner better. And never, ever shame them for thinking or feeling differently than you do. Certainly they feel equally justified, and deserving of your open-mindedness as you do theirs.
If you find that you and your partner are having trouble communicating and being open, or are in the midst of a difficult situation like the one in this article, contact me — openness is my specialty and I want to help you and your partner get back to comfort and happiness, together.